SML #191 - still there
LESSONS LEARNED
When I met my spouse I saw awesomeness.
I was 18. She felt different than anyone else I’d met.
I’m not just talking about particular things about her that I thought were awesome.
I’m talking about how it felt to see her, think about her, be with her. It was awesome.
There was something special at our core connection.
Right? You probably know the feeling.
We call it “love” and we don’t have control over it.
Something happens inside us when we fall in love.
One person describes it as our brains being on an anti-depressant, pain-killer cocktail.
You were the witness of your spouse’s awesomeness in the beginning.
You saw it more than the average person. And you wanted it.
Everyone else didn’t want to fall in love with them, didn’t want to marry them. YOU wanted to. You know what you saw.
No one else saw them the way you did.
You picked this person for a reason.
And oh my gosh, they saw your awesomeness too, and they picked you!
What are the chances? Both of us feel the same way toward each other!
And then it changes.
At first we see only the good and we major on their awesomeness.
But over time, other true things appear that aren’t as awesome.
Lots of routine and negativity get layered on top over the years.
And we gradually forget about how awesome our spouse is.
Or we start thinking they really aren’t that awesome.
Or maybe we start thinking they weren’t that awesome to begin with.
As if they became a worse person.
How about me, am I not that awesome anymore?
Was I not that awesome to begin with?
Have I become a worse person living with her?
Sometimes it’s as if we start out thinking our spouse is the best, and above everyone else, and then we end up thinking they’re the worst and below everyone else.
Such thinking should not be.
Do you think your spouse fell in love with YOUR awesomeness? Something at your core that they loved?
You hope so right?
Is that awesomeness of yours still there?
You hope so, right?
The core you is still there. And the core of your spouse is still there.
I think the awesomeness you both saw in each other is still there.
There are exceptions. For example, there are manipulating, deceiving, bad-faith spouses, who are never at fault and who seem to be trying to make you think you’re crazy.
But for most of us, I think the good we saw is still there and is even better now.
Brenda and I are very different from 53 years ago.
But we’re both also still much the same person.
The person we fell in love with is still there, but with changes. Some changes are good, some not so good.
It might be hard to see the good because of pain and resentment. You don’t feel your core connection as much as you did.
But I think for most of us it’s still there.
I think their awesomeness is there even MORE so than before, we’ve just been dulled into missing it.
But we can wake up and see it again.
And the new awesomeness we see can be better than the first awesomeness when we first met.
I know this because it’s how it is for us.
We now know each other way better. Each of us has improved and grown as a human being, and been shaped by Jesus.
There’s a lot of good stuff to notice if we can get out of our own way.
How do you do that?
That’s what all these letters are about.
It’s what the Instagram and Facebook page are about.
I hope you’re seeing more and more of the true good in your spouse and in yourself.
WORTH REPEATING
“No one has the right to define you except the one who made you. And he says you are loved." - Ian Simkins
WORTH TRYING
A common suggestion I’ve heard:
When you feel irritated or angry with your spouse, instead of thinking about how wrong you think they are, see if you can ask yourself -
“What does this irritation tell me about myself?”
This isn’t to blame myself, it’s to get to know myself. Some things bother us more than others. What is it with this one?
I don't usually ask myself this question in the moment, but it's helped me notice that I'm irritated.
Then later I can think about it again.
Thank you for reading!
"He crowns you with steadfast love and mercy." - King David
You matter
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.