SML #181 - past & present
LESSONS LEARNED
Late 1969.
She‘s standing on the step up to the porch of her parent’s house, facing me, facing away from the house.
I’m taller and turned towards her, but she’s on the step so our eyes are looking straight at each other.
“I think I love you,” I say.
I really did say “I think.”
Almost three years later in July, we’re parked in the shade of a maple tree at her sister’s house.
I’d broken up twice with her during our time together. Very dumb. I assumed she’d be there if I wanted to get back together, and she was.
Later I learned there was another guy in her world I didn’t know about. Well, that could have turned out different!
So under that tree, we’re on our third go-round.
I said “Do you want to get married?”
Her first words, “When?”
I hadn’t thought about that. I hadn’t even thought much about marriage. Never thought I was ready.
I was 21 and still wasn’t ready.
“January?” I said. We booked it.
This was so typical but I didn’t know it at the time: Her wanting something nailed down, no fooling around, and me putting it off into the future.
Summer 1986. We had an intense, soul-draining argument.
The kids hear a bunch of it which makes it worse. It was exhausting. One of the worst ever.
I’m 35 at the time. I’m too old for this kind of energy on this kind of thing.
Something had to change.
I changed.
She changed, too, but hers had to be on her own timetable.
As much as both of us wanted each other to change on our own timetable, that’s not how it works.
And as much as I believed, “if she’d just be different, then I’d be different too,” that’s not how it works either.
Of course, she thought the same thing I did.
Yes, we do influence each other's behavior, but I can't blame her for mine.
Do you know how much time I spent dwelling on who she was and how she needed to be different?
Years wasted! Decades! Centuries!
If the Ghost of Christmas Past had visited me he would have haunted me with dwelling on negative things of hers that were not mine to dwell on. I’d fall on the ground and clutch his robe and cry “Enough! Show me no more Spirit!”
I wish that ghost could have visited me. It led Scrooge to change overnight.
It took me years and years. It was slow motion.
I’m 100% responsible for me. For my own thoughts, words and actions.
I’m 100% responsible for how I show up in our marriage.
She is not an excuse for me to use. She does not bring anything out of me that is not part of me. I’m always me.
She has faults and negatives. She may need to change. Some things of hers we may need to talk about.
Isn’t it the same with me?
Or am I going to say, “Sure I have some faults, but she’s worse. Therefore it’s OK if I’m who I am because I’m better than her.”
Well, that would be pathetic to think that.
Some of the things I thought were SUCH big negatives, turned out to be not so big.
And other negative things turned out to be not worth thinking about.
And then other things turned out to actually be positives, but I hadn’t realized it.
I had to change how I thought, and looked, and saw, and thought.
How do you do that? What does that look like?
Well, that’s what each of these letters is about.
WORTH REPEATING
"The real shift comes when you move from blame and attack to understanding and accountability. If you want to change the other, change yourself. Because once you do something systematically different, sooner or later, the other person has to adapt. They can’t continue to do their thing. And the whole dance changes." - Esther Perel
WORTH TRYING
What I wish I’d done earlier -
Find my soul and heart settled in God and Jesus so I don’t have to keep trying to find it with my wife.
Don’t keep ruminating on negatives and offenses and invented conversations.
Look for good things she’s doing and tell her what I see.
Don’t take negative moods personally.
Take initiative in touching.
Do the everyday things that are important to her.
Stay calm.
Don’t make little everyday disagreements worse - hold my peace and let it calm down.
Be aware daily - what kind of person do I want to be in my marriage?
Thank you for reading!
"Be strong and let your heart take courage" - King David
You matter
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.