SML #182 - in my head
LESSONS LEARNED
We’re walking to the checkout at Publix.
I say “Maybe check your list one more time.”
She’s in charge of the shopping list. It’s all hers. I can’t understand her code and notes.
I ask her to check it one last time because sometimes we end up realizing we missed something when we’re checking out.
Or when we get to the car.
She says, “I’m good.” Didn’t need to look at the list.
Once we’re in line she says, “Oh, I forgot distilled water.”
I go get the distilled water while she waits in line.
It’s no big deal but I’m a little bugged.
In the car I say, “That’s why I ask you to check your list right before we get in line.”
She says, “Well sometimes I forget something. You forget things too.”
I certainly do.
“But that’s not the point,” I say. “The point is just check the list one last time. To reduce the forgetting. You said you didn’t have to check the list, but then you really did need to check it.”
She’s not having it. “We all make mistakes, it’s not a big deal.”
I’m sighing in my brain.
I think, would she say something if I had a list, didn’t check it, then didn’t get something on the list?
Yes she would!
Well I think she would.
I keep sighing on the inside. I just want her to understand what I’m saying.
We end up stopping at Aldi and as she looks for crumpets (never can find them) and I look for granola, I’m arguing with her in my head.
As I argue in my head with her, she argues back. In my head. All in my head.
Finally I arrive at an argument I think she cannot win. This -
When we leave to go on trips, we sit in the car in the driveway and go over a checklist. We do it outloud.
Lights adjusted
Heat/AC adjusted
Doors locked
Fridge door closed tight
Oven and range completely off
Meds packed
Charge cords
Kindle, iPad
Stuff like that. It’s a joke but also a real routine for us.
All those things are on the list because something has gone wrong or been forgotten with every one of them.
About a third of the time, one of us has to go back in the house for something. Because we checked the list right at the end.
So, my unassailable argument is -
“What if in the driveway sometime I say, ‘We don’t need to go over our departure list, I’m good.’ And then after we leave I remember I forgot something and have to go back?”
I thinking, refusing to go over the list is not the same as forgetting something. It’s not a mistake. It was done ON PURPOSE.
Right? Right?
Point made, right? Yes!
But I don’t say any of that. Not one word.
The last thing said outloud was way back earlier when she said, “We all make mistakes, it’s not a big deal.”
She doesn’t know I thought any of this other stuff. She doesn’t know I actually “won.” 😂
So why didn’t I say anything?
For one thing, ten minutes had passed without either of us talking about it, and my arguing energy was going down.
(Yes, I thought about it for 10 minutes!)
But mainly I thought, is it really necessary to make a point?
Is this the kind of issue that needs to be talked about? Is this something that needs resolved?
Or is this just one of those daily annoying “you bug me” things that can be overlooked?
It’s definitely just a “bugs me” thing. Who cares? Not worth it. Forget it.
She still doesn’t know what I was thinking.
In my younger days I’d have the energy to fight to be understood.
As if the worst thing in the world is to be misunderstood in some little thing.
And I would have said all that stuff I thought, and then she would have said something that would probably bug me even more, and off we would go.
We’ve “gone off” enough in 50+ years.
Rolling offenses over and over in your head are sure-fire ways to keep negative emotions high and stay in an argumentative state.
Negative emotions die down naturally in a few minutes if you don’t feed them. That’s one way to love.
"You'll always feel the rain, but you don't have to drink the rain. You can let the thought pass and in a few moments the sun will return. You don't have to claim everything you feel." - James Clear
WORTH REPEATING
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." - Mark Twain
WORTH TRYING
You can always say it a minute from now.
Pausing, holding your peace, can be super hard, but it lets your emotions calm down.
I’ve found if I just “hold my peace” for a few seconds, then things don’t get worse.
If I can pause for a few seconds then maybe I can go a minute.
If I can pause for a minute sometimes I find things are getting better.
And sometimes it ends up I don’t feel like saying anything at all about what was bugging me. (We’re talking about common everyday head-butting things, not about avoiding conversations about important things).
Holding your peace for a few moments can be a mindset. It could actually become a practice, a habit.
I’d say I’m successful practicing this mindset maybe 10-20% of the time. Not so great.
But it used to be close to 0%.
Thank you for reading!
"When my spirit faints within me, you know my way!" - King David
You matter
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.