SML #184 - practicing marriage
LESSONS LEARNED
I think my wife and I used to have some big issues.
We didn’t try to solve them. We didn’t know how.
We weren’t smart enough to even define them.
But we ended up landing on some simple things like a little more kindness and patience.
A little more noticing the good. A little less majoring on faults.
It affected how we felt about each other.
And feeling better about each other affected the big issues. Who knew!
I think we did it out of some guilt for how we treated each other at times.
It certainly was not a plan to make things better.
Then over time, I think we realized it was Jesus working in us to be the kind of people who can love even when we don’t feel like it.
Marriage is a perfect place for that to happen.
Slowly, we learned to cooperate with what was happening.
Marriage, Jesus, you, your spouse, it’s all one big thing.
If we’d done it on purpose and been consistent, I’ll bet good things would have been happening in a few months. Instead of taking decades.
“You might be surprised to know that it doesn’t take a major overhaul to improve your relationship and maintain momentum for a lasting connection. Changing your relationship even slightly can have a dramatic, positive effect over time.” - John Gottman
What would I do if I had it to do over?
I’d try some simple things on purpose, and try to repeat them.
I’d regularly remind myself of helpful mindsets and perspectives.
I’d learn to trust Jesus’ presence and care.
I’d try to have a little of that each day, for a bunch of days.
And it would probably help me more if I was able to connect with other people who wanted to do the same.
It would be pretty good to see I wasn’t alone and we’re all in this marriage thing together.
I’ve been thinking all this through for a few years.
The Simpler Marriage Letter came from that.
I thought, “Just pay attention Gary, and write what you see, and share it.” This letter has gone out now for 184 weeks in a row.
Then a year or so ago I started trying some simple purposeful things in a small Facebook group that’s still going on. I think it helped a few people.
The facebook group and writing this letter have made me a better person and husband.
I’m more consistent with the kingdom of God in my thinking and attitudes and ways.
It’s forced me to be present to the kind of person I was and wanted to be. And to be sensitive to the simple things that make marriage better, if I’ll only do them.
Which makes me want to try a new thing on Monday.
It’s a new daily married group, if enough people are interested.
It’s not in facebook.
It’s starting with a 90-day cohort.
If you like this letter, and the spiritual parts attract and don’t repel you, you’d probably like the daily married group.
You could say the group is trying to help make the Simpler Marriage Letter real in your own world.
There will be others there if you want to connect with people like you who want the same thing you do.
There are no assignments or meetings. You don’t get “behind.”
It’s just 1-3 posts or videos each day. You can look in daily or weekly or something in between. About once a week there will be a practice to try.
It’s its own place, not facebook. But like facebook, you go there on purpose.
You’d sign in to it once, like you do netflix or spotify or facebook.
It will have an app you can get for your phone, with only this group in the app.
The technology has a cost to me.
My wife, Brenda, said, “Just charge 10-cents a day, to cover your cost.” It’s her cost, too.
So that’s $3 per month. Ten-cents per day.
You’d pay $3 and get in. You could cancel anytime.
You could think of it as a 90-day challenge if you want.
If you stay for the whole 3 months it will be $9 total.
You could say we’ll be practicing the path of life in marriage.
We’ll see what happens after that.
WORTH REPEATING
“You don't think your way into a new kind of living. You live your way into a new kind of thinking.” – Henri Nouwen
WORTH TRYING
We’ve been hugging more.
There’s all kinds of science and research that talks about how good it is for us. Good things happen inside us.
Our bodies were made for hugging to be connecting and relaxing.
They say 20-seconds is a goal. But even just 5-seconds is a big ice-breaker. We can slowly learn to linger.
For me, a good hug in the morning is a valuable and meaningful way to start a day.
Thank you for reading!
"The LORD hears when I call to him. " - King David
You matter
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.