SML #185 - griping and complaining

I thought we were going to watch a camping show.

Turns out it’s a show about marriage.

My sister suggested it. She loves it.

The Atik Family are a couple of married Youtubers who make their own camping videos.

Every week they go camping and video the whole thing. So far they’ve gone over 300 times.

They go in sunshine, rain, and snowstorms.

It’s “glamping” with big inflatable tents and new RV’s and sometimes a tractor taking them deep into mountains, forests and valleys.

You could say it’s a look at what camping could look like if you were willing to spend a lot of money, but you had to haul it all in one trip with 2 people. And you do it week after week.

Fifteen minutes into the first episode Brenda and I are saying, “Wow, there’s nothing happening.”

It’s slow. There’s no plot or narrator. Plus the family is Turkish so there are subtitles.

But the calmness was appealing.

You watch them set up everything. You watch them make meals and eat. You watch them pack up and leave.

You start realizing these are human beings who hardly have a negative word for each other.

They unpack and set up tents with zero of the frustrations that would seem normal for couples.

There’s no criticizing, no bickering.

There’s none of the “Why are you doing it that way? Well if you hadn’t ____ this wouldn’t have happened,” that most of us are familiar with.

It’s two married people very calmly not letting a single thing bug them.

Half of one show is watching the husband try to get a hot tub going. In the snow. While it’s still snowing. No grumbling.

We watch the wife cook with a small wood fireplace for a stove. Small cookware and utensils. How do you know if the meat is done? She figures it out.

No complaining. It’s like they know they chose this together, so what’s to gripe about?

The scenery in nature at their campsites is beautiful. And their tone and attitude with each other fits the natural beauty.

They respect each other, encourage each other, make things better for each other. You can’t imagine them blaming each other for anything.

It’s two married humans quietly inspiring you without trying.

I’m letting the show model two things for me -

1. I don’t have to have an opinion on everything my spouse does.

It’s so easy to know a “better way” to do it whatever’s being done.

Loading the dishwasher? Packing the car? Folding clothes? Cleaning a closet?

And it’s easy to jump to blame anytime anything negative happens.

This show is saying, “Here’s what it looks like to not second-guess or blame. Here’s what support looks like.”

2. Frustrations and interruptions and inconveniences don’t have to shake you.

Complaining and grumbling come naturally to me in lots of everyday situations.

Miss the turn? Can’t find a pen? What did she mean by the way she said that?

This show is saying, “Here’s what it looks like to be secure and unshakeable in everyday things.”

I think it’s beautiful.

You can see it here.

WORTH REPEATING

“Am I getting nobler, better, more helpful, more humble, as I get older? Or am I getting more self-assertive, more deliberately determined to have my own way? It is a great thing to tell yourself the truth.” - Oswald Chambers

WORTH TRYING

It’s easy to have a negative attitude toward your spouse.

If you don’t like having a negative attitude, here’s something you could try -

Watch your spouse. Spy on them. Look for the positive things they do. Notice what you normally miss.

For a few days, ignore the negative things they do.

Then when it feels right, say something to them about what you see.

Noticing our spouse doing something good we normally miss feels good to us.

Telling them what we notice feels good to them.

Feeling just a little better about each other adds up.

“It’s easy to fall into the trap of only seeing what they’re not doing. You develop a narrative where you’re the one putting in all the effort, and you start to believe it’s true. Look for what’s right instead of what’s wrong. If your culture of appreciation is waning or nonexistent, this is the most immediately effective tactic to jump-start its resurrection.” - John Gottman

Thank you for reading!

"You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you." - King David

You matter.

To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.

Gary

JUST IN CASE . . .

The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.​
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If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.