SML #188 - the hard part
LESSONS LEARNED
The hard part wasn’t the being kind to my wife.
The hard part wasn’t smiling, giving attention, noticing good things she did.
The hard part wasn’t giving her the benefit of the doubt, valuing her heart, forgiving her faults.
Those things were easy.
The hard part was doing those things after the honeymoon stage wore off, after I’d seen her at her worst, after she’d “wronged” me (like we all wrong each other).
The hard part was doing those things when I knew the score of when she was wrong and I was right, knowing I always won that score.
The hard part was doing good things when I thought she was a worse person than me, “knowing” she owed me more than I owed her.
The hard part was overcoming my feelings and emotions and negativity.
We know good things to do. But we can get numb to doing them.
We’ve done good things, and we’ve done them with THIS person.
But we end up with obstacles.
I know first-hand how a negative attitude and bitterness can make it seem physically impossible to be consistently kind and caring.
It seemed impossible to me for a long time and I thought that impossibility must be normal married life. Pretty sad, right?
Early love is easy and you think it’s supposed to stay that way.
But it doesn’t stay, you get disillusioned, and then who knows what happens after that.
Your marriage experience can end up being all about your attitude toward your spouse.
Slowly I learned love is not about her. It’s about me.
In a way, it’s always about the one doing the loving.
Jesus said, “If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that.”
What kind of person do I want to be? The kind who has really good reasons (or are they excuses) for not loving?
No, I’d really like to be the kind of person who can love when I don’t feel like it. Who can love when I really feel like doing the opposite.
Somehow started noticing that love isn’t some big mountain to climb.
It’s mostly doing the small things.
Things like attention, care, kindness, patience.
And it doesn’t have to be everything at once. Just SOMEthing, a little bit more, with some consistency.
And then - lo and behold - it was like a little river started flowing.
We noticed it was as if we were each wired to respond positively to kindness and grace.
It was as if when we felt the other person cared, we were wired to soften toward them.
It was as if when we were able to see into the other person’s heart, we were wired to soften toward them.
It was as if we realized our job wasn’t to change the other person, but to own our own ways of who we are in our marriage.
And it was as if we were contagious...
“Oh, I really do have an influence on the culture of my relationship with my words, attitude, tone, and behavior!”
We had been spreading negativity. Then something else started spreading.
A lot of times the mountain to climb in marriage isn’t in knowing the things to do or in doing those things.
The mountain can be in my own heart and soul.
It can be about me deciding I want to be a certain kind of person, not about whether I think she deserves it or not.
For me, I ended up wanting to be the kind of person who knows that majoring on her positives isn't denying the reality of her negatives - it’s love.
WORTH REPEATING
“How would you ever learn unconditional love if you were married to someone who met all the conditions? The main purpose of marriage is that through your marriage, you both become conformed to the image of Jesus Christ.” - Paul Washer
WORTH TRYING
Maybe we just notice our spouse doing something good. Something we normally miss.
This feels good to us when we see it.
Then we can tell them what we noticed. This feels good to them when they hear it.
Feeling just a little better about each other adds up. What will you notice?
“It’s easy to fall into the trap of only seeing what they’re not doing. Look for what’s right instead of what’s wrong. If your culture of appreciation is waning or nonexistent, this is the most immediately effective tactic to jump-start its resurrection.” - John Gottman
Thank you for reading!
"You make known to me the path of life." - King David
You matter
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.