SML #189 - composure
LESSONS LEARNED
When I’ve seen it in others, I’ve wanted it -
Composure.
Unflustered people are so appealing to me.
I seem to be the opposite. At least it feels the opposite inside me. I’ll make things worse than they are.
I'm not going to describe that scene in the backyard with me and the yard guy and my wife. I’ll just say “composure” was not a word that described me.
People whose emotions are their boss make everything worse.
Composure people make negative things better.
Peace and confidence are beautiful things.
Low composure looks like -
defending myself
taking it personal right away
answering harsh so she knows I’m hurt
giving in to the urge to get even
letting myself feel like she’s an enemy
getting sulky
acting like a victim
feeling sorry for myself
trying to make myself feel better by thinking of things she does that I don’t like that I can bring up
saying things from my emotions that contain some truth, but not the whole truth.
Go ahead and add your own.
When things get contentious, there are positive, helpful things I can do or say.
But for me I don’t do positive, helpful things when I’m feeling negative and emotional.
I’ve had to learn that winning an argument isn’t my job.
Defending my point isn’t my job.
Getting her to see the light isn’t my job.
What if she thinks those things are her job, too? Oh, fun!
What is my job?
Loving is my job.
But it can be hard to know what love looks like in the heat of a moment.
I’ve found I can always count on love to at least look like this -
“Just don’t make it worse.”
And the best way I’ve found to not make it worse?
Hold my peace.
Just shut up for the moment.
Holding your peace is a Bible idea related to trusting God and letting him fight your battle.
To me, the key to love in emotional moments is to not let my emotions be my boss.
It’s easy to miss that you have a lifestyle of letting your emotions boss you.
Emotions are a bad boss.
And I’ve never been strong enough to “suck it up and control yourself.” Have you?
I think Jesus wants to show me his grace is bigger than my emotions, if I’ll just start by holding my peace.
When I’m willing and can just pause for a second, I find Jesus’ grace to hold my peace begins to become real.
Sometimes it’s just for a few seconds. Just a few seconds is a win.
Sometimes I can go a minute.
Sometimes it’s longer and I can end up feeling I don’t need to make any response at all. That’s a radical feeling.
So I find I’m actually practicing becoming the kind of person who can hold my peace.
A person of composure.
Just not making things worse is a great victory.
Do you notice how often your emotions act like your boss?
WORTH REPEATING
"You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself. You must say to your soul: ‘Why art thou cast down.' You must exhort yourself, and say to yourself: ‘Hope thou in God’.” - Martyn Lloyd-Jones
WORTH TRYING
For Brenda and me, this is another main practical thing that has helped keep disagreements from becoming more intense -
Increase kindness and attention and caring in the calm, regular moments of the day.
We don’t try to be kind when we’re mad. That’s too hard. We try to add kindness when we’re not bugged.
This is an easy way to build up goodwill and connection and security.
A regular habit of kindness and attention in the everyday moments has caused us to feel positive toward each other.
Then when disagreements start, we have positivity built up and have less need to ”vent” and “get back” at the other person. It's made a big difference.
“Kindness is the most powerful and useful of all social-emotional skills. It does a body good, always.” - Kyle D. Pruett
Thank you for reading!
"Be strong, and let your heart take courage." - King David
You matter
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.