SML #194 - sweet old couples

She walked past me this morning and sat down in the chair next to me.

I looked her in the eyes and said slowly, “My precious has arrived.”

I know, kinda crazy.

She smiled. Which felt awesome.

Later, she pointed to a plate of strawberries and a cookie on the counter.

“Those are for you.”

That’s her way of saying, “My precious is here.” 

Ahhh, sweet old couples, right?

As if, when you stick around together long enough it gets sweet.

Except there are plenty of bitter, grumpy old couples.

And worse than bitter and grumpy. Like, disconnected, bored, and angry.

It’s possible to be old and NOT sweet.

The sweet doesn’t come from time.

It comes from who two individuals become on the inside.

We “are” before we “do.”

The things that come out on the outside, come from what’s inside.

For us, we used to be super aware of the other person’s faults.

It was easy to begin to disrespect and sometimes see the other person as an enemy.

I wanted God to make that better, along with a lot of other things.

I think he wanted to make ME better.

I learned if I want something different, then it starts with seeing, noticing, and thinking differently.

Jesus said you’ll know what’s in me by what comes out of me.

Changes on the inside of me changed my experience of my marriage.

My “experience of my marriage” means how I see it, think of it, how I interpret her words and actions and different situations.

When that changed, then how I feel in my marriage changed.

And I realized my experience of marriage can change without anything except me changing.

An example of something changing on my inside is humility.

Am I 100% positive that I’m right about what she thinks and feels?

Am I 100% sure that I’m right about what she means when says or does this or that?

Could I be off on some of that? Or a lot of it? Could I even be way off on something?

As my inner Gary adjusted to a little bit of humility, lo and behold, I began seeing how off I could be.

First I saw it here and there. Then more and more.

In recent years I’ve realized I’ve been way off on some things for a long time.

For example, sometimes she has a blunt, serious tone that always felt to me like she was bugged by me and didn’t like me.

I’d ask her about it, and she didn’t know what I was talking about. She’d say it had nothing to do with me.

But for a long time I continued to react as if she was being negative toward me. It was a habitual mindset I had.

But, would I want her thinking the same thing about some way that I am? No.

When humility came more alive in me, I began thinking differently about her tone. I couldn't keep responding as if it was personal.

Humility was changing how I see and think, and what I expect.

It changed my experience of her blunt tone.

I ignore the tone easily now, and my negative feelings and reactions toward her tone mostly went away.

That’s an example of my experience of my marriage changing without her changing, or without “things” in our marriage changing.

Humility came from being open to God’s presence and ways, and God’s way of humility becoming more real to me.

It affected my life and marriage, without her changing at all.

Similar things happened on her insides.

Two people changing for the better and getting old together looks “sweet” on the outside.

But it comes from transformation on the inside.

WORTH REPEATING

“Patience is making place for God to be involved.” - Dallas Willard

WORTH TRYING

I highly recommend this.

There’s science behind it but I don’t remember what it is. I just know it’s a good thing.

Here it is -

Sit together on the sofa, hips touching, for a few minutes. That’s it.

To me it’s best if we’re not watching TV or on our phones, but that’s better than not doing it.

Just sit together with no agenda for 5 minutes. Or 10. Relax together.

It doesn’t matter if you talk, just be aware of the other person and be comfortable.

I think the value comes from really sensing your spouse with you, without any big emotions.

I think it helps us feel more relaxed and safe with each other.

Thank you for reading!

"O my Strength, I will watch for you" - King David

You matter 

Gary

JUST IN CASE . . .

The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.​
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If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote the book A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.