SML #199 - where I start now
LESSONS LEARNED
A friend of mine went with his wife to her appointment with her heart doctor.
He said the doctor talked about her heart for 15 minutes,
Then he talked for twice that long about lifestyle.
But not the lifestyle of do’s and don’t’s.
He told her -
“Before you take a bite, or put the plate in front of you, or before you cook, ask yourself ‘Is this something that’s going to help me get where I want to be? Or hurt where I want to be?’”
He was trying to help her make decisions from a bigger picture.
Making decisions from the bigger picture is the way to do it.
Except, no one else can make us have the bigger picture.
For me, I have to own my own bigger picture. I have to come to it from my own insides.
In marriage, I’ve known a whole lot of “shoulds” for a long time.
I should forgive.
I should love even when it seems undeserved.
I should think the best and give the benefit of the doubt.
Something always seemed to get in the way of those things. It’s an attitude that feels like, “Well, if you put up with what I put up with, you’d understand…”
Do we all think that?
I always end up with a good reason for not loving or forgiving or giving the benefit of the doubt.
I’d summarize the reason as, “it’s not deserved.”
And it can feel physically impossible to love and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt. Because it feels like it's not deserved.
But deep inside me I’ve always known that real love should be bigger than that.
Jesus’ love is bigger than that.
Yeah, but he’s Jesus, and I’m just me.
But what if Jesus’ love is also bigger than “I’m just me?”
I’ve been able to move toward owning my own bigger picture in marriage, and in loving my wife.
It doesn’t start with the “shoulds.”
It starts with a willingness to be more honest with myself.
You could say it’s just between me and Jesus -
What’s it been like to live with me recently? For the last week? For the last few years?
What if she’s bugged by me even more than I’m bugged by her? Is that possible?
What if she’s been ‘right’ and I’ve been ‘wrong’ way more often than I think? Is that possible?”
What kind of person do I want to be in my marriage? Do I like who I am? What if I can’t blame her for who I am?
I don’t push these questions on myself. I try to just walk up to them and let them be there without arguing with them.
A few more -
What if Jesus’ words, “With the measure you use, it will be measured to you,” are true in more ways than I realize?
What if when Jesus said, “I am with you always,” and “I am gentle and lowly in heart,” it means in every moment of my marriage?
What if God really is FOR me?
I don’t sit down and try to answer these. I just respect them and try not to hide from them.
What is my true inner self telling me?
Will I let it be honest? Am I willing to listen?
Not as some big plan, but just as starting to listen to my own self.
I can decide how much I want to hear.
I become aware of my responses to those questions.
My responses are part of what’s shaping me on the inside, shaping my big picture.
And my big picture then shapes my attitude and tone and words and everyday actions in my marriage.
Starting on my inside is a better way to live
“We are not responsible for the circumstances we are in, but we are responsible for the way we allow those circumstances to affect us; we can either allow them to get on top of us, or we can allow them to transform us into what God wants us to be.” - Oswald Chambers
WORTH REPEATING
“You are under-qualified for the job of master and commander of your own life.” - Tim Keller
WORTH TRYING
I go on errands with her more than I used to.
Grocery, clothes shopping, chore runs. We’ll get ice cream or something and make it a date.
Or sometimes we prepare a meal together. She’s the main chef but I can chop and clean up as we go.
Doing something together brings us closer.
I try to do it on purpose.
There’s science that describes why good happens, but basically we’re created to do things together.
I didn’t find out it was true until we started being together more and I paid attention.
Now sometimes I find excuses to be together
Thank you for reading!
"When my spirit faints within me, you know my way!" - King David
You matter
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.
Does someone come to mind as you read this Simpler Marriage Letter? If you think they might enjoy it, you can use this link so they can sign up for themselves -- CLICK HERE