SML #198 - darn emotions
LESSONS LEARNED
It might be a nice experiment.
The next time you’re angry with your spouse, or have an attitude toward them, try to smile and be nice.
It’s hard. For me it’s almost impossible to be kind and graceful when I feel negative towards her.
The emotions can come from one of those little head-bumpings that last a minute or two.
Or it can be from the really big stuff that gets out of hand.
In the small things, my emotions can still take at least a few minutes to calm down.
In the big things, my emotions have been up for long stretches - days or longer.
And a really big attitude against your spouse, and seeing them as an enemy, brings negative emotions that can stay for weeks, months, or years. Even decades.
When we have negative emotions, it’s almost impossible to do kind, generous things that feel real to the other person.
All we have to do is touch their hand, or smile, or show kindness. We can make our body do those physical things.
Except we can’t when we’re mad at them.
The outside comes from the inside.
I heard a marriage therapist say that we can learn all about why we do what we do. For example in Attachment Theory.
We can learn the what’s and why’s and when’s and the how-to’s.
But, they said, we still need empathy, patience, and understanding, or else all the good things we’ve learned won’t work.
The outside comes from the inside.
The inside comes first.
Inside me is my heart, my soul, my mind, my spirit. It’s who I “really am.”
A first truly helpful step for me was realizing that when the worst version of me shows up in my marriage, it’s not my wife’s fault.
She’s only revealing the real me. I can’t say “Oh that’s not really me.”
I’m always me.
I may only be “that” version of me when “this” happens, but I can’t blame the “this.”
It means I’m the kind of person, who when “this” happens, I do “that.”
Even if it’s only a small part of the time, it’s still me during that small time.
My spouse cannot make me say or do anything. My words and actions are on me.
What comes out of me comes from what’s in me.
Inside is where the fear, anger, insecurity, insensitivity, impatience, and bitterness are.
And it's where the compassion, humility, patience, empathy, and understanding are.
I heard someone say last week that violence is wrong but people can’t stop themselves when they’re filled with anger and contempt.
They said the way to not be violent isn’t to use willpower. Willpower fails sooner or later.
The way to avoid violence is to be free of anger and contempt.
The inside comes first.
Once I began cooperating with letting my Inside Gary change, my experience of my marriage began to change.
We don’t have time in this letter to get into how that happens.
But we’ve all got a standing invitation from our creator to personally learn how to live well in our world.
Changing, or being transformed on the inside, takes awhile. Actually it never ends.
But in the meantime, I’ve learned there are at least two things possible for me to do no matter what, that are good for my marriage.
ONE - In the calm times, I can add a little extra kindness.
When things are calm, and emotions low, it’s easier to be kind.
I added a little extra kindness than normal in those times. That helped us feel better about each other.
TWO - And in the emotional, un-calm times, I can just not make it worse.
In the tough times, even with strong emotions, I find it really is possible to just pause for a moment. To not react emotionally, to “hold my peace.”
Even if it’s just for a minute or two.
Sometimes a minute turns into several minutes.
Often, that’s enough to keep things from getting worse. Not making it worse is a great victory
Those two things help. But they’re not enough.
The biggest obstacle to loving well and feeling good in my marriage is my attitude.
I can’t control my attitude or emotions. They need to be transformed on the inside.
WORTH REPEATING
“Your spouse will never hear what you say about them in your head. But they will feel every word of it.” - Hans & Star Molegraaf
WORTH TRYING
From Brene Brown -
“Listen with the same passion that you want to be heard.”
Well that seems hard.
But I know it’s good to do that. And I can trust that when I want to do good things, grace is there to help if I want it.
Thank you for reading!
"O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me." - King David
You matter
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.
Does someone come to mind as you read this Simpler Marriage Letter? If you think they might enjoy it, you can use this link so they can sign up for themselves -- CLICK HERE