SML #197 - she beat me to it
LESSONS LEARNED
She was going to pick up a birthday cake.
I said something about her picking up the gift, too. We had talked about it the day before.
Something about what I said or how I said it bugged her.
It offended her. Which surprised me. I didn’t see how she could be offended by it.
If she was sitting here she’d explain it to you, and you’d probably understand it, but at the moment I didn’t.
And it offended me that she was offended.
This took ten seconds to happen.
I’m still the kind of person who, under the right circumstances, can get offended quickly. It’s way less often these days, but it happens.
I said a few words to her and realized that wasn’t the thing to do.
So I walked away - not in a huff, but frustrated.
I went to my little office. She knew that’s where I was going.
I stewed in my juices, and tried to figure out what I said wrong, how she could take it weird, and how she could respond gruffly.
But, you don’t figure stuff like this out when you’re in your juices.
You just try to stay calm on the outside and not make it worse. Not making it worse is a big deal.
In my office, I kept thinking, “She should come in here and hug me.”
It feels pretty dumb writing that. But that’s what I thought for a minute or two.
It can be maddening not knowing what happened, and knowing that trying to find out will make it worse.
Sitting there, I realized that trying to figure something out is not how you go about this.
It’s not about the thing that happened.
It’s about us with each other, and being OK with each other even in head-clashings.
And then she walked in and hugged me.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
And I immediately thought, DARN, SHE BEAT ME TO IT.
As soon as she hugged me I knew I should have gone first.
My attitude turned totally around - not about her being “wrong” but about the need to take responsibility for staying connected.
It’s not easy. Emotions are a bad boss.
It takes becoming the kind of person whose emotions aren’t the boss.
How do you become that kind of person?
Getting older helps.
It helps to get a lot of experience with bad things happening as a result of letting your emotions boss you.
It helps because bad things happening aren't fun. It’s supposed to make you want to change. I have a lot of experience in that.
But plenty of people get lots of experience with contributing to bad things happening and keep doing it.
And plenty of older people let their emotions boss them all the time.
So just getting experience and getting older doesn’t automatically make things better.
What’s really helped is that Jesus tells me if I’m frustrated with letting my emotions boss me, I should come to him and he’ll show me how to take a rest from that.
He says I can learn from him.
He says,
”Learn the unfocused rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11)
That changes the kind of person I’m becoming.
WORTH REPEATING
“When your partner is upset, they’re not asking you to agree. They’re asking you to care. Forget who’s right or what really happened. Instead, ask yourself: do I want tension, or do I want connection? Being generous with your partner isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom, and it serves you both.” - Terry Real
WORTH TRYING
Not making it worse is something I’ve found I can do, even when my emotions are bossing me.
A lot of the negative things we deal with is because we made something worse that didn’t need to be.
We don’t have to fix everything - just don’t make it worse. Our reactions make it worse. Not making something worse is doable.
The simplest way to not make something worse is to pause, to stop. To “hold your peace.”
When I felt offended by her offense, I left the room so I didn’t make it worse.
I’ve found if I just “hold my peace” and let things sit for a bit, then it doesn’t get worse, and miraculously it often gets better.
And I didn’t do anything extra, except not make it worse.
Sure, some things need to be talked about. But not when emotions are your boss.
Not making it worse, holding your peace, is a big win.
Thank you for reading!
"My God in his steadfast love will meet me." - King David
You matter.
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.