SML #201 - didn’t realize it
LESSONS LEARNED
We were at an airbnb.
The top of the bed is high off the floor. Her legs are short.
She said “Hey, would you go on the other side and reach over and take my hand and pull me up?”
I wanted to say, “No, you should do it this way, step into my clasped hands and I’ll boost you up.”
Because of course my idea was better.
It wouldn't have been a big deal if I said something, but I didn't. I was recognizing again the tendency in me to one-up her idea.
That tendency felt familiar, but these days I usually catch myself before “fixing“ it.
For a long time - decades - I didn’t catch myself. Didn’t even know I was doing it.
I didn’t know I was arrogant.
Not on purpose or to be mean. Just out of ignorance.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
In the early years I got in the habit of underestimating her.
I think she had low confidence from certain things growing up, and I played right into it by being ignorantly, undeservedly, overconfident myself.
I think since I had more confidence, maybe she just assumed I was probably right on lots of everyday life opinions and things.
It’s kinda normal to start thinking that if a person is more confident than you, it could be because they know stuff you don’t know.
And maybe when you have lower confidence, you’re glad that the other person is confident. It could help you feel secure.
But sometimes the confidence is misplaced.
Most of the time I was just more confident in my opinions than she was in hers.
And then after a long time - decades, again - I began noticing that actually she was right and I was wrong a whole lot more than I’d thought.
But I hadn’t taken time to notice before.
I underestimated and disrespected her opinion without realizing it.
The first few years of our relationship she treated me like I was smart and right. So I took it and ran with it. But I wasn’t any smarter or righter than her.
I’m guessing I’m not the only one who can be arrogant for so long without knowing it.
I don’t know if she’s done a similar kind of thing with me.
But if I’ve done it, it must be pretty common in relationships, because I’m not some unicorn.
It’s incredible how a person can be so blind for so long. I think we can miss it all our lives.
You can live all your life treating caricatures of the other person as true when they’re not.
Maybe we all do it in little everyday ways. We kinda judge the other person and think they’re wrong in how they think and what they do.
“Wrong” sometimes just means “different from me.”
Of course, some things need to be talked about. Some things really do matter.
But is every opinion I have worth expressing? Is everything that bugs me really worth being bugged about?
Shouldn’t I save my “bugged” energy for the things that really matter, that really need talked about?
“Do you need to have an opinion this? Is it changing anything? Is this thing or person asking to be judged by you? Opinions often just make us miserable.
The less opinions you have, especially about other people and things outside your control, the happier you will be. The nicer you’ll be to be around too.”
- Ryan Holiday
WORTH REPEATING
“We spend countless hours making up our minds about others. An unceasing exchange of opinions about people keeps us distracted and allows us to ignore the truth that we ourselves are the first ones who need a change of heart and probably the only ones whose hearts we indeed can change.” - Henri Nouwen
WORTH TRYING
Similar to last week’s “Worth Trying,” I’m trying this -
A couple times a day, try just being aware of your spouse’s presence.
Just for a few moments.
Notice, remind yourself that your spouse is real, is here now, is sharing the space with you.
You’re just doing this in your own mind and heart.
It can be when you’re both doing something in the same room. Or driving together.
Or at a meal. Or in bed together.
It’s when you’re together and present physically with each other.
Just awareness. Very simple.
If you’re a spiritual person, you could try this, too -
Do the same thing a few times a day with God.
(This was what I talked about last week.)
Just be aware of God’s presence for a moment. It’s not prayer, there’s no agenda.
As with your spouse, you’re letting yourself be aware that God is real, is here now, and is sharing the space with you.
These are two ways that good things start.
Thank you for reading!
"Truly God has listened." - King David
You matter
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.
Does someone come to mind as you read this Simpler Marriage Letter? If you think they might enjoy it, you can use this link so they can sign up for themselves -- CLICK HERE