SML #202 - out of disillusionment
LESSONS LEARNED
I think I was in the disillusionment stage of marriage for 30 years. 🥴
Disillusionment towards her, towards where I felt my marriage was at, and towards myself.
I think there’s a disillusionment stage in most marriages.
Disillusionment means after a few years we start seeing the faults we were mostly blind to in the honeymoon stage.
Love gets more challenging. It can become easy to get offended.
We more and more take each other for granted, easily get into auto-pilot, and major on negatives.
We come to negative conclusions about the other person and keep those conclusions for years and years.
And we think something’s wrong because it’s “not like it used to be.”
We can even get into a doom loop where each of us feels worse and worse about the other, which causes us to do things that contribute to even more distance.
Maybe you can relate to some of that.
If you’d asked me if I was working hard in marriage, I could have said yes,
I thought I spent a ton of energy and emotions putting up with things, responding emotionally to things, and struggling with how I felt.
But it was the emotion of a responder, reacting, as if that was all I could do.
I was critical of my experience in my marriage, as if I didn’t have anything to do with my experience, as if I had no role, no control.
Today I’d call that loitering in my marriage.
I did it for a long time.
I didn’t realize how much influence I had over my own experience.
And it was easier to blame her than to take responsibility for attitudes, words, and actions that I had say over.
I didn’t realize what a big say I had in the conclusions I came to about her.
We can decide what to think.
We don’t have to listen to every thought and feeling that pops into our head about the other person.
But often we do listen, and we believe it, and it adds up to a whole story about how bad they are and how much blame they deserve.
I listened. It was easier than taking initiative in my thinking and in what I say and do.
The transition out of that took a long time.
Here’s a conversation I’d have with my past self if I could -
So, Gary, let’s say you’ve got a point in some of your negative conclusions about your spouse.
Even so, can you change her? If you can, then do it.
If you can’t, now what?
Just wait for her to change? And complain in your head the whole time?
How long are you going to feel negative like this? Until “something happens” that’s outside of you makes things better?
Are you willing to just think about how you think? You don’t have to tell anyone you’re doing it. It’s just you and you.
What if the saying “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” is true?
You say you “believe in God.” What if God is working in you to shape you more into the character of Jesus?
You’ve said you believe that. What if your marriage is a big part of that?
What if she’s bugged by you as much as you’re bugged by her? What if it’s more? Is that possible?
What if majoring on her true positives is not denying the reality of her true negatives? What if it’s actually love?
What if you don’t fix issues by addressing them one at a time? What if you address a better you in your relationship, and then let the better relationship address the issues?
What if you really do have a say in your experience of your marriage - in how you see her, in how you take what she says, in what you say and do?
What if the way you act in your marriage isn’t her fault? What if she’s just revealing a part of the real you? A part that could be better?
What if without realizing it, you actually picked the person you need to challenge you to become the kind of person you really want to be?
What if you took a day or two to just notice what she does that’s right and good, that you normally miss? And ignore the negative? And then what if you say something to her about what you notice?
I still have this conversation with myself.
WORTH REPEATING
“Sometimes when our eyes are stuck on them, we forget to look inward and self-reflect about what might be going on on our side of the street that’s also keeping you from the closeness you’re looking for. I can work on myself, which will create space for my partner to recognize their own need to grow." - Julie Menanno
WORTH TRYING
A simple prayer that has led to good things for me.
Even if you’re not a God-person, I think saying and meaning this in your soul shows love and humility. Love and humility do good things.
“Lord, give my spouse a spouse worthy of their love. And let that spouse be me.”
Thank you for reading!
"Your gentleness made me great." - King David
You matter 😊
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.
Does someone come to mind as you read this Simpler Marriage Letter? If you think they might enjoy it, you can use this link so they can sign up for themselves 😊 -- CLICK HERE