SML #203 - wish I woulda
LESSONS LEARNED
I used to think my wife was against me, like an enemy.
I had a habit of thinking that.
And I used to think she was wrong a lot about this or that. I had a habit of thinking that, too.
And I used to think she should see things this way or that way, and not the way she actually saw them. Another habit.
Most everything we think and do is habit.
Most of those habits are not established on purpose.
How I think of my spouse, what I think, how I respond, my attitude, are mostly habits.
Maybe I haven’t thought about it for years or decades. I just keep repeating.
Seems like a human thing. We notice what confirms what we think, and don’t notice what contradicts it.
Long ago we decided who our spouse is.
Over time, I realized she was not my enemy. My enemy was my thinking she was my enemy.
I realized she was not wrong “a lot.” I started seeing I was actually wrong a lot more than I thought I was.
I realized that how she saw things was her business, and that a lot of the ways she saw things were actually good and very valuable.
In other words, I realized a lot of my habits of thinking about her were wrong.
Those habits of thinking were damaging to her, to me, and to our relationship.
But because it was a habit, I couldn’t stop being bugged.
I couldn’t stop feeling she was like an enemy. I couldn’t control my attitude.
I couldn’t be nice when I didn’t feel like it. I couldn’t be kind when I was stressed.
It took decades for me to change.
I’m not talking about her habits of thinking about me. Those are her business. I don’t control that or dwell on it.
We each only have say over ourselves, and me taking decades to exercise my say over myself isn’t right.
But I couldn’t just change my habits of thinking.
I couldn’t say “Oh, I need to do something about my habit of negative thinking about her,” because I thought my thinking was right.
However there are things I can do that affect my habits.
Knowing what I know now, here’s one thing I wish I would have done.
It’s a very simple, easy thing that can be done even if my thinking is negative.
It takes a little bit of intention. But if I think of myself as a loving person, it’s a small way to prove it to myself.
Just pay attention to what she does that’s good.
Notice what she does that’s good and right, that I normally miss or take for granted.
There are even four versions of this to keep me from having excuses.
Version 1 -
Just do it the next time you’re together in the same space. Pay attention to the good positive things for an hour or two. Ignore the negatives for now.
Version 2 -
Do it for a few days, not just one day.
Version 3 -
Do it for a few days and write down what you see.
Version 4 -
Do it for a few days, write down what you see, and then say something about what you saw.
That means saying something like, “I love the way you ____.”
Or “I love it when you ____.”
Or “I hadn’t noticed that before.”
It’s not just about doing the noticing.
It’s about BEING the kind of person who notices good things in someone you love, appreciates them, and then encourages them.
I think most of us think we’re that kind of person, or we want to be that kind of person.
This is a way to really do it.
It makes them feel better about you, and it makes you feel better about them and about yourself.
It affects how you see your spouse and think about them.
I’m to a point now where I mostly see her positives way more than her negatives. And it happens without trying. Wow.
“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” - Philippians
WORTH REPEATING
“The hardest part about marriage isn’t finding the right person. It’s accepting that the person you chose is a human being, just like you. Not a project. Not a potential. Not a future version of themselves. A human being. With strengths, blind spots, wounds, limitations.” - Adele Kruger
WORTH TRYING
From Terry Real -
When your partner has a criticism -
If 70% of what they’re saying about you or about the situation is true, go with it. Acknowledge what you can. Let go of the other 30%.
This means when you normally say, “That’s not what happened!” it now turns into “I can see why you feel this way.”
“You’re exaggerating!” turns into “You’re right, I’m sorry, and I want to make things better.”
You won’t do it perfectly. But you’re making an effort to find some agreement instead of argument.
Listen to their experience of the thing, take accountability for your negative contribution, and try to repair it.
Thank you for reading!
"Truly, God has listened." - King David
You matter 😊
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.
Does someone come to mind as you read this Simpler Marriage Letter? If you think they might enjoy it, you can use this link so they can sign up for themselves 😊 -- CLICK HERE