SML #204 - compassion
LESSONS LEARNED
They say most of us are overly self-critical.
I’m one who is.
You’d think if you were the kind of person who was hard on yourself, it would keep you on your toes and make you a better person.
It makes us worse.
I used to think I was one of only a few. No, it’s most of us.
Do you talk to yourself harsher than you’d ever talk to a friend?
Then maybe you’re one of us self-critical people.
You're one if you're regularly hard on yourself, judge and second-guess yourself, and maybe sometimes even condemn yourself.
John Gottman says most of us learn to be self-critical as kids and teens. We learn to find fault and accuse ourselves, and we get good at it.
And then we take our skills at criticism into our marriage.
Gottman says in 85% of marriages he’s observed, at least one spouse is overly hard on themself and on their spouse.
A lot of that hardness towards our spouse is actually coming from how we feel about ourselves.
But of course our spouse doesn’t know that's where it's coming from.
We can end up feeling like we’re a disappointment to our spouse, to ourselves, and to God.
Science people say our bodies take the critical inner-voice the same as we take a physical threat.
They say our body can’t tell the difference between actual physical danger and the internal voice of self-criticism.
Our body reacts to self-criticism the same way it reacts to a predator. With fear, avoidance, and negative emotions.
Over time it leads to depression and hopelessness.
Criticism, fear, negative emotions, depression, and hopelessness aren’t the kinds of things I want in myself or my marriage.
The science people have found a practice that helps with self-criticism.
I’m trying it. Here it is -
When we find ourselves hearing that inner critic, pause.
Try to talk to yourself as you would a friend, or someone you love, who is in the exact same situation.
Tell yourself what you would tell someone you love who felt like they fell short.
You would care. You wouldn’t be harsh and you wouldn’t be judgmental. You’d be compassionate.
Be that way toward yourself for a minute or two.
Be kind to yourself, the way you’d be kind to a friend.
You know the types of things you would say: “We all fail . . . imperfections are part of being human…” and you’d say it with kindness and compassion.
Instead of depression and anxiety, the result is you feel safe, encouraged, and you’re able to learn and grow.
We’re designed to learn and grow.
I want to change. If that’s what I want, then it’s not right for me to blast myself for not being all the way there yet.
I do it without thinking. That's a big load and burden to put on yourself.
Jesus says if I put that burden on myself, I'm invited to come to him.
He says his way is easy and light. He says we make changes together, him and me.
He says he is gentle and lowly in heart, not demanding and disappointed like I can be.
He says to learn from him and I’ll find rest for my soul.
Am I harder on myself than God is?
What would that mean if I am?
These days I’m trying to tell myself to do what I can, and grow in grace as I go. Grace is God’s action in me to do the good I can’t do on my own.
I grow in letting more of God’s action into my life.
Dallas Willard said something like -
Treat yourself with the same patient grace that God treats you with, because growth in Christ is a journey of transformation, not a test you must pass.
A journey, not a test. I like that.
WORTH REPEATING
“Beating yourself up doesn't make you stronger; it leaves you bruised. Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to a good friend.” - Adam Grant
WORTH TRYING
I think noticing our own self-criticism is worth trying.
Can I notice when I jump into big negativity toward myself?
When I catch myself doing that, can I pause for just a moment?
Can I ask myself, what would I say to a friend or someone I love who was feeling like I’m feeling? What would my tone and attitude be? What would I say?
Can I do that with myself for one or two minutes?
Do I think it’s right to be harder on myself than God is?
Thank you for reading!
"Your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!" - King David
You matter
To ask a question or share what's challenging you, just hit reply.
Gary
JUST IN CASE . . .
The Simpler Marriage Instagram is a bite-size on-the-go version of the kinds of things you get in this letter. Not the exact same content, but the same approach. If you’re on IG, you can see and follow HERE.
If you find the tone or attitude in these letters helpful, I wrote A Family Shaped by Grace from the same posture you get here. Everything in it applies to marriage, but it shows how it also applies to kids, grown kids, in-laws, etc. Here it is.